Being judgemental

It's never easy knowing how to balance between extremes when it comes to children. Like many mothers around me, I keep worrying if I am over-indulging my toddler under the name of caring, or coming down too hard on him in the guise of discipline. I make my mistakes, and feel lucky that R is still young enough to let me get away with them.

I recently introduced the concept of 'time-out' / 'corner' to R - the place he is sent to calm down or realise something he did was not very pleasant. He quite defeated the purpose in the beginning by running gleefully to the corner, facing the wall and coming right back to repeat the offending act. When such a time out occured in front of some family friends, they wondered why I was 'punishing' him at such a young age. 'He hardly understands what he is doing', they said. My point exactly. How would he know what he did was not praiseworthy if we didn't point it out. Longwinded, logical cause-effect explanations are not going to cut it with him at 22 months. Knowing that a certain act causes his mommy to be upset might do it. Being removed from the place of activity certainly does it. Am I doing the right thing? Judge away.

Now that R goes to a playgroup, I get a better opportunity to observe other mothers, teachers and their toddlers. Say what you will, but I find myself getting surprisingly judgemental about parents' and teachers' attitudes towards children. I would have thought myself to be the 'Do what works best for you' types, but my parent avatar seems to disagree a bit.

What set off this diatribe today was this - R has a new teacher who in all her gusto to 'teach' seems to me to have forgotten that toddlers hardly need someone chiding them for being who they are. What set me off was when she questioned a wailing tot at that difficult time of drop-off, and not too gently, 'Why are you crying, early in the morning?' Surely no toddler cares for being made to feel at fault when they're already dealing with that emotional mountain of mommy leaving them. It instantly took away my security as a mother. Or was I being too protective? Could it be that toddlers respond better to that no-nonsense approach?

Questions like this one and others wizz around my tired brain, and in the end I just go with the the tried and tested 'mother's instinct'. And care little about being judged :)

From Infant to Toddler...

Days drift by quickly. I keep remembering how life was so simple when A was a baby! I know, I never thought I would say this even though family and friends did their best to warn me. All the advertisements and TV shows showing moms dressed just for the sake formality,  with untamed hair flying in all directions and each of these ladies being brave and bearing all with no trace of make up, makes more sense to me now than ever before. Who cares about dressing up when the option of utilizing the 15 minutes you get is between that and grabbing a bite (or cooking),  while your toddler is busy exploring something. My cynicism surprises me! Me, who always believed in being presentable even when at home.

If you are trying to figure out what the theme for today's rambling is, then don't try too hard. These are as I mentioned in my previous sentence just ramblings..with no particular agenda in mind. I have started wondering too if the blessed feminism is really a blessing? I always envy my mom and all moms of her generation who did not have to struggle with the decision of staying at home and trying to create an identity outside of their home. I think, for them, the decisions were pretty black & white. Most of them ended up being stay home moms and did not have to feel guilty every time their kid fell sick when they had a pressing deadline at work. But does that really give them mental satisfaction ? From what I have seen, a lot of the moms do pride themselves in being there for their little ones and yet in some tiny corner of their hearts they wish that maybe they could have done more with their lives. Don't get me wrong, I am not judging anyone here. I am mostly a stay home mom for now, but I go through the struggle of "to work or not to work" on a daily basis, and I still haven't figured out which is the right way.
But as everyone knows, being a parent is not all gloomy and burdensome. In fact, most of the times you don't even recollect the rough patches your kid goes through growing up. I love the moments I spend with A. His promotion from infant to toddler has brought so many wonderful things with it. It is a pure joy to communicate with him and teach him new things, and the showers of affection you get in return from him are priceless! Everyday is a new day and believe me there is never a dull moment. I have almost given up on TV and surfing the net (which i think is quite evident from my posts here), and have learnt to rediscover childhood with my son. It is amazing how much one tends to enjoy playing with toys or reading kids' storybooks. I realize how different my own childhood was... and yet so much fun. Spending time with A leads me back to the good old innocent days.

So what is there to conclude? I don't know...my mind just keeps wandering these days from one thought to the other  while I keep a close watch on A trying his stunts and making sure everything remains intact.

I was watching an Indian franchise of the popular British reality show 'Celebrity Wife Swap', called 'Maa Exchange', deeply involved in armchair judgements about how two women ran their respective houses. And isn't it always strangely gratifying to declare someone a bad parent, wife or housekeeper from the comfort of your couch? Oh well, that warrants another post by itself!

So, while in one such musing about parenting (the woman gave a two year old a fizzy drink and a bar of chocolate, for God's sake!) that carried on into the commercial break, I saw a typical 'informative' advert (read iffy production quality) that had to be for a govt. Ministry. But the first visual was about breastfeeding, and motherhood makes me take notice of any such material these days. The spot pushed breastfeeding, the importance of a varied diet for toddlers. It was the kind of information that you would pass off as common knowledge usually, if you sat through it at all. And although I suspect it was not really aimed at mommies who run to google 'baby common cold remedy', it was good to see that spot at primetime on an unashamedly commercial channel. But the more I saw it, the more I realised, if I had come across this while expecting little R, I might have better appreciated its value. And this coming from an internet search junkie.

Putting myself in the shoes of to-be or new mothers from the real audience, I could see how useful that spot might really be to a woman in the interiors, say, whose main source of information about babies is her mother-in-law, or her doctor. Would it not feel that much more empowering to know how to care for your baby better? I'm sure it would help counter well-meaning relatives who suggest giving the child roti, ghee and sugar if he refuses veggies or dal! Even if I scoff at the production values of the spot, it condensed the exact same information that I might have discussed/ searched a trillion times about what to feed R and when.

A cursory search (didn't I already mention I'm a Google junkie?) showed me that the Food and Nutrition Board had not only an online presence with nutritional information, but campaigns across communication channels. I personally think it's commendable. If awareness is what it takes to encourage and instill healthy eating habits, they have started on the path.

But given all this, why is it still that India ranks 25th out of 33 nations in child feeding practices? Surely no mother would be found lacking in the will to give her baby the best she can?  Is it a lack of awareness despite these efforts? Or a lack policy and financial support that leads to high infant mortality?

In any case, I hope this current awareness campaign reaches its intended audience and helps not only mothers, but fathers and families to give their babies a healthy start in life. It certainly made me think back on what I fed little R today - did he get his rainbow veggies?



p.s. he did get his veggies..... and his fruit and grains! ;)

Another ONE!

Tee's super adorable baby boy turned one yesterday! What a milestone! Congrats Tee and hubby and Happy Birthday little A! We loved being at the birthday party and gorging on the delectable cake :D

Tee has come to visit family - and us, the all important friends :) from across the seven seas. I think I can safely speak for Emm too when I say we were waiting more to coo over Tee's baby than catch up with her ;) And he's soo worth all the fuss. I can also safely say that all the kids in the equation don't dislike each other - yet. We had a couple of play dates that went quite well. The babies ignored each other, then got a little curious and slightly pally to the extent that R took (snatched, more like) a biscuit that A offered him! There were some shows of possession here and there, but they came and went before things escalated. I guess that age is (fortunately) yet to come.

All of us were just talking about how mommies are not super-thrilled about the first birthday - it reminds us that our babies are growing up fast and are not really babies anymore. Emm has still got a half year before her little cutie officially becomes a toddler, so savour every minute, Emm!

R has lately been showing streaks of independence here and there - isn't that what all mommies ostensibly want? He climbs on and off the  bed by himself, wants to drink and eat with his own hands in his own messy way and decides where he wants his little legs to take him. But even when I proudly share his little achievements, one tiny part of me feels somewhat excluded, like I am being 'relieved' of some duties that I have come to identify myself with. I admit to daydreaming of the time I won't have to lug bottles, snacks and diapers around, not plan my meagre social life around nap times and be able to type just one short email without the fear of R wandering off to a non-toddlerproof area. But I secretly dread the day when R will no longer need a mommy-cuddle before bedtime, when he won't look expectantly at me to laud him when he manages to kick the ball, when he might find giving his mommy that sloppy open-mouthed kiss too embarrassing.

I know at each age and stage new joys replace the ones they have outgrown, and we take on new roles by no means less important or satisfying than now. But allow me a moment to miss the warmth of my baby snuggled in the crook of my arm, nursing contentedly, as the wriggly toddler squirms out of my bear hug to be let loose to explore his expanding world.

And the award for best mommy goes to....

Well, sure, if this was a competition there would be billions of contenders and each one a winner. After all every mom in every corner of this world, however primitive or modern (and I would include every female creature on the face of this earth), looks out for her little one and puts its well being above everything else. 'So what ?' is your question, right? The point is, I never considered myself as a stereotypical mom, thinking that I would have revolutionary ways of bringing up my kid. No over hyped drama for me..no way! Ha! Little did I know what a roller coaster ride I had ahead of me.

Now that I think about it, it was a weird start and looking at that time of my life I sure was not the best mommy! A year and a half back S and me were still going back & forth about the whole 'having a baby decision'. Parents were getting worried and trying to ward off any questions from people but trying their best to not put us under any pressure. I am sure other people back home (satellite relatives) were wondering what the deal was...5 years into marriage and no sign of a cradle...'surely the girl needs some medical or divine intervention' must have been the talk of town. Fast forward to Jan of 2009, we finally decided we would take this seriously and start working for it. After all it would still be at least 6 months before we got pregnant. Ha again..it happened just a month down the line!

The first time I saw the pregnancy test I wanted to rewind the whole thing and go back to being not pregnant. Family being super excited and throwing instructions and advice left & right , not to mention the constant questioning about my feelings about being pregnant just made me uncomfortable. I just did not want to talk about it. That was the first trimester. As my little one started wiggling and making his presence felt, I couldn't help getting more and more attached. I would enjoy the silly chats we had on the drive to work. I liked the feeling of not being alone and always having someone to listen to me without any questions or prejudice. Finally, D day came and little A said hello to the world on a cool December evening. The delivery in itself was an adventure and A made sure that we got desperate enough to see him ! He was a bundle of joy and who would imagine that such a tiny little baby would dictate our lives to his whims and fancies.

And now, here I am 91/2 months later, enjoying every moment of mommy hood, struggling with all the emotional ups and downs attached, being possessive and worrying myself sick over little things related to A. In short, I am doing every thing any mom would be doing...nothing revolutionary! I make sure that there is drama everywhere around me...what a surprise! But at the end of the day, my little baby looks upto me and I (of course hubby included...but since this post is about me, lets stay focused) am responsible for shaping his life. And maybe the decisions I take may not always be right but I always do my due diligence and hope that if anything goes wrong, I would be the one to take the hit. And to come back to where we started out, the whole point of this post is to reiterate that even though billions of women do the same thing for their kids, they each deserve the award for 'Best Mommy'!

Beach Bum(mer)

So the all-important first birthday came and went. Since we're away from all of my friends as well R's growing coterie of teeny friends, we decided to postpone the all-out cake 'n balloon celebration to later in the month. Instead, we marked the day with R's first visit to the beach.

R is total water baby since birth. He adores bath time and the mere sight of a tap causes him to dissolve into delighted squeaks. So, we figured, this would be treat for him - water as far as the eye could see and permission to splash away! But, as I have learned before, Fate and babies always have other plans.

We got to the beach just as the sun was preparing to set in all its orange glory. (I swear I heard music playing in my head thinking of how perfect the setting was for this momentous event). But the moment the first wave neared the lovely golden sand we stood on, sonny boy burst into loud, sobbing wails. Get a load of that! The water baby!? Here I was, all armed with a camera to capture that first touch of water, and R clung to me for dear life, staying doggedly turned away from the water. Something about the ocean had upset him enough not to give his darling water a chance!

With a lot of pacifying and coaxing, I got him to sit a fair distance away from the water in the sand. Once the pressure to like the ocean was off him, R spent a considerable time fingering the sand, curious about how it slipped through his chubby little fingers, enjoying the feel of it. He made sure I didn't move an inch away all the while, or so much as step towards the water. I wondered, just then, if I push him to do what I assume he would or would not prefer, messing up his own simple system of like and dislike. There did not have to be a logic, a need or reason to not like something. What is, is.

Persistent mommy that I am, I took him to the beach again the next day, in a totally different setting - bright warming sunlight, squealing children and no mention of water. I eased towards the water as I spoke to him, distracting him with other sights, and as I bent with him, tiny toes dangling, to a wave petering out, I was awarded with a tentative smile. We spent a good fifteen minutes dipping into waves this way, not moving from our station, letting the waves kiss our feet if they made it that far.

Whew, he could get to like it after all. In his own time.

And Mommy gets another lesson in taking.it.slow.and.easy.



p.s. Since there would be all too many A's in this set of mommies, I decided to opt for an R to stand for my A ;)

Another beginning, another role

This little diary is something I have been meaning to get started for over a year now, but going by my awesome reputation at maintaining blogs, have shied away from doing. As I sit here now, on the eve of my first anniversary of being mommy, I can think of no better time to commit to a new blog.

I see a neat picture ticker rushing past in front of my eyes, encapsulating everything my life has been since I first saw that ' + ' sign on the home pregnancy test. I can relive each exhilaration, sense each fear and feel each hope rise inside me all over again. It's been a powerful journey so far, teaching me so much about myself, encouraging yet humbling. I can now vouch for all the cliches of the world that relate to motherhood being the most rewarding and exhausting job ever. And I have a tiny 22 pound dynamo as proof of all that I dreamed it would be, and all that I never imagined I would face.

From all my Web wanderings (I could rattle off details from a memory that never seemed to serve me well in college!) the two things that get reiterated are -------
--> These days will swoosh by and each new development seemingly imprinted in my memory will fade as others cram for the same space. Recording each new sniffle, smile, babble, step and emotion is paramount.
--> There is nothing better than a support system of mommy friends to let you know you can face anything the teeny ones throw your way, and sharing, having a listening ear and some welcome suggestions makes the 'job' that much more enjoyable.

I'm hoping this virtual nook will be just that - for three friends who find themselves in new roles, trying to do their bestest with three little sweethearts, and coming upon funny stories along the way. Let's see how far we can get!